I had a brutal second half of the week last week. It came on the heels of attending an inspirational homeschooling conference which reminded me, with deep clarity, of who God has made me to be and what He is calling me to become; choosing to step out into the freedom God was granting me to begin a blogging adventure with Him; my husband’s job promotion; and a weekend-away cottage contest win for my family. ‘They’ say that when you have a mountain peak experience, you can expect that a dramatic collapsed sinkhole is just around the corner. Spiritually speaking, Christians remind one another that Satan always comes to steal that newfound joy. That awareness is intended, I think, to make us gird ourselves up with strength so that we don’t give in. We’re not supposed to succumb to the temptation to be discouraged because that would mean Satan wins, and who wants that?!
I’m a (mostly) positive person- bubbly, cheerful, optimistic. But I found myself the last half of last week feeling exhausted in ways I couldn’t put my finger on. I sat in the sun, after such a long, drab winter, and I could only peg my feelings as depression. This, followed by an emotional and spiritual ’high’ of God speaking, God moving, and God answering prayers only days before. A series of items sucked that vibrant life right out of me: the brakes on our van broke; we received potentially very bad health news from a loved one; a letter, outlining a financial burden we have, showed up in the mailbox; and one “sorry to be the bearer of bad news” e-mail rocked our world. Frankly, I felt like we were sucker-punched in the gut. It gets so weary to feel like you’re making headway only to have to backpedal a mile back- once again. It’s easy to feel the twinkle of ‘The-Hope-of-Better-Things-to-Come’ snuffed out when it appears as though everything is suddenly catastrophic around you. It’s almost as if you can feel the downward spiral of your spirit falling.
On Friday, I now felt physically miserable. Guilt laden, I made myself nap. (The guilt part necessary because what good Mother lets herself sleep in the middle of the afternoon when there are three children needing to be taken care of, education to be imparted, and a dirty house crying ‘Mercy!’?!). I didn’t wake up feeling better. I chose not to go out with some girlfriends in the evening, and then poured my heart out to my husband when he arrived home. He prayed over me and I slept like a rock that night. Saturday morning I awoke feeling less Zombie-esque. I put Songza on as I was cleaning up the kitchen (because I had left everything the evening before and yesterday’s chores were now today’s chores), and I heard a song that touched a chord in me. Tears began to fall from my eyes and cascade down my cheeks, and God communicated a revelation to me through these lyrics,”Something’s about to break. Seasons are bound to change.”
You see, whenever I have these encouraging seasons that breathe life into me, and then they are followed by discouraging circumstances, Satan has this habit of whispering into my ear, “See? Nothing is changing. Everything will always be the same. It’s useless. It’s hopeless. You’ll never get from A to B.”
The devil is a Liar.
These last couple of months, God has been doing a real work in my heart. I have been confronted with sin in my life by the God of Gentleness. It has hurt me, for Him to show me parts of myself that I don’t know how to handle or fix, but it has made me desperate for the God who *is able. And I know that this is a result of His great love for me. As I press in closer to Him, His desire is to further refine me. The closer I become to Him, the more the sin in my life is exposed. I am “vulnerable and laid bare before the one with whom I have to do” (Hebrews 4:13), not so that I am left as prey for the predator, but so that He can make me more holy, as He is holy. He knows He is a safe place for my weaknesses, as I choose to confess, surrender, and submit to Him in new areas of my life. He wants all of me, and all of that transition is going to take my entire life. God has no beginning and no end. He is never-ending. I am far from perfect, and I learn stubbornly and slowly. It will take the whole of my life to continue to allow Him to point out the crevices in my heart that still require a bending to His character, will, and ways.
Satan is working overtime. He is trying to get me to believe that God is impotent. He wants me to believe that God is not doing a good work in me. He wants me to focus on trying to fix the things that go wrong. Better yet, he wants me often to feel like the things that do go wrong are my fault, so that I am self-depreciating and powerless.
Luke 9:23-25 says, “And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one will will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?”
I’ve always looked at that piece of scripture as speaking to the sin we must allow to be crucified in ourselves. This time, God added something to that understanding. I listened to this song, as I washed those dishes, and God showed me something specifically. He helped me to see that part of that sin that needs to be crucified in me (in everyone) is the need to control things. That part of me that says, “I have to worry about this because this matters. I have to beg God to fix this; to show up. I have to stress about this because if t, u, and v happens then x, y, and z will happen and that’s just the worst thing that could happen.”
Is this fear? Yes! The root, though? Pride. A pride that doesn’t come out of confidence. Parading Pride that is followed by Fear. Why? Because it can’t deliver. Pride that is ineffective. False, self-deceptive pride because it is birthed out of my inability to be strong, and not out of the efficacy of the Almighty Father.
God says, all that matters is that you “Seek first My kingdom, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matthew 7:11). All of my needs will be tended to, flowing naturally out of my relationship with my Abba Father, who also happens to be the Giver of good and perfect gifts. (James 1:17; Psalm 84:11; Romans 8:32)
God says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5) He is already with me, because He is always with me. My job is to open my eyes and see Him. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
God says, “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) It doesn’t matter what the outcome is, because I can trust that it is all according to His good plan, which concerns itself with my good. (2 Corinthians 4:15)
So, there’s been this mountaintop experience, and here comes the pits! And suddenly, I’ve had an ‘Ah-Ha!’ moment because these latest discouraging events are only events. Nothing has shifted that matters. (Numbers 23:19; Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 18:2; Psalm 55:19; Hebrews 13:8; James 1:17). “For God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable.” (Romans 11:9). If my focus is on Christ, then, I am truly secure. (Why have I read this before and ‘known’ this before, but am only really seeing this, in this way, now?!)
The questions remain then: What are these unfavourable events really about? Are they about me needing to ‘get a grip’ so Satan doesn’t get the upper hand in my heart and life? Maybe. Are they about God growing my resilience and testing me to see if I’ll remain faithful in the midst of trials and tribulations? Maybe. Are they about a God who is at the very core, not good; Who is playing and toying with our emotions? Unequivocally no! Well then, maybe…..just maybe…..they *are about shifting my perspective really seeing. Maybe this is about maturity- getting beyond juggling all of the reasons why these seemingly negative things might have happened, fighting off the enemy who chastises that God really isn’t at work, and that He isn’t really good at the heart of His real character. Maybe this is about outdistancing Satan who occupies and entertains himself by accusing me of doing something wrong, distracting me into fretting about it, and pressuring me to plan in a frenzy of confusion how I might possibly go about doing something right to fix it all.
Perhaps this is about rest.
Perhaps this is about choosing what matters- choosing not to lose or forfeit my soul, choosing to believe that God is on His throne, choosing to receive the invitation to sit with Him, all curled up on His lap nestled into His breast where His heart for me beats beneath. Instead of treading water all the live long day and night to figure out our problems and wrestle with what we could possibly do to bring relief to the situation, what a novel idea: I can relax my panicked feet and arms in the Rivers of Living Water and know that I won’t drown in this storm. I can have confidence that my life is preserved by resting in His. All of my fears of ‘what could be’ or even the reality of ‘what will be’ will be washed away by the crashing waves of Truth.
Yesterday, I was blown away by a time of worship in our personal corporate body of believers. I was in awe that He chooses to continue to speak to me and breathe life into me as I seek after Him. There is refreshment in God’s voice in my life. Afterward, I was at the grocery store carefully calculating what we could(n’t) afford for groceries when God aimed His generosity at the target of my heart. Surprisingly, friends of ours (a brother and sister in Christ) found themselves in line behind us, and they ended up offering to pay for our groceries. Tears welled up in my eyes at the goodness of God to us and all of the ways He has lined up these ordained moments to bless us. Feeling so good- on a high- we got home only to find our fridge broken. (Are you even surprised?!) We spent the afternoon transitioning into an apartment sized fridge for a family of 5, and ridding ourselves of our broken one. What I really thought I should be doing (what I really wanted to be doing), was executing my plans to busy myself preparing a Turkey dinner for a family we love who is grieving a terrible loss. We had invited them for a Sunday dinner. Talk about an opportunity to put into practice my faith in the God who just revealed to me a new Truth! The addage may be, “It’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back”, but if each time a straw is thrown my way, I give it up to God, and I choose to rest in Him (instead of stressing about a new problem and feeling overwhelmed with all of the fiery darts thrown my way), then the wind of God’s Spirit just comes and chases that bramble away. There is no accumulation on the camel’s back. There is no piece of straw heavy enough that it causes me to break.
When I was in labour for my children (and this is going to sound crazy to some…), I LOVED it. I relished in every contraction. You know why? I knew that these labour pains were producing something incredible. Every successive contraction brought me closer to the birth of the miracle that was growing inside of me. I embraced the pain, breathed through every contraction, looked straight into my husband’s eyes, fully confident that ‘this too shall pass’. Applying that principle, I’m pregnant with the Holy Spirit. He is making a miracle of my life, and out of my life. He has made me pregnant with good things. He IS ‘completing the good work He has began in me’ (Philipians 1:6), even when I can’t see it right there in my belly. I don’t have to figure things out. I don’t have to manage all of the insurmountable issues that I can’t control. I don’t have to fear that I’m the cause of things, or that it’s up to me to work things out. I can embrace the pain, breathe deep the breath of God, look straight into my Father’s eyes, fully confident that ‘this too shall pass’. Soon, I will give birth to something beautiful. And even though it hurts right now, God will make it all worthwhile. He is producing something incredible in me (Romans 5:3-5)- more space for Himself. And that’s all that really matters.